


Love Like Sunlight

by ellebeedarling



Series: Beyond Comprehension [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, MEBB2017, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M, birthday gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-09 10:38:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11667426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: It's the last night of shore leave, and Shepard just wants to get lucky. Little does he know that a chance encounter with two strangers will change his life forever.Set Pre Mass Effect 1, which makes it slightly AU-ish.**Now with beautiful artwork by the talented and lovely,AnnaRaven!





	Love Like Sunlight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Estalfaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/gifts).



> Title is from this quote:
> 
> “Love is like sunlight,” she said when I didn't respond. “You can give all of yourself to someone and still have all of yourself left to give to others, and to yourself. To your work. To anything or anyone you choose. Love isn't like food; you won't starve anyone by giving it freely. It's not a finite resource.”  
> ―Jacqueline Koyanagi, Ascension 
> 
> **
> 
> I wrote this for my dear friend [Estalfaed's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/pseuds/Estalfaed) happy birthday, and decided to donate it to the MEBB as well since they needed some extra stories. (Hope he doesn't mind!) 
> 
> Happy birthday, sweet friend! I hope you have a marvelous day! xoxoxo
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys!

_Banner by_ [Azzy_Darling](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling)

 

 

Shepard downed his shot and scanned the crowd. Last night of shore leave. The place was packed with drunken marines dancing or making out with each other in darkened booths. No one grabbed his attention, so he ordered another shot of tequila, trying to decide if he should wait awhile longer or head on back to the barracks. If he couldn't go out with a bang – so to speak – at least he could get a decent night's sleep before reporting for duty at zero six hundred. Hitting the rack early meant that he could get by on only a couple cups of the caffeine sludge that the Alliance dubbed as coffee, rather than an entire pot. But he was facing at least a year of deployment, and he'd rather not spend his last free night alone if he could help it.

 

Taking his drink to a table that overlooked the dance floor, he sat, watching the asari dancers for awhile. He'd never had to stoop low enough to proposition one of the strippers, but the view was nice while he waited. A couple of young blondes were eyeing him from one table over, and he smirked at them before finishing his shot and ordering another. They were a definite possibility, but he wanted to keep his options open just a little longer. It wasn't like he'd ever been in a position to have to settle. People told him he was good looking, and while he didn't let it go to his head, he wasn't above using that to full advantage.

 

Alliance training had taught him to be aware of his surroundings at all times, so when a pair of eyes settled on him, he knew it instantly, body edgy as he swept the room for the perpetrator. When he found what he was looking for, his breath hitched and his heart rate sped up. A couple, about the same age as him, both with raven hair and brown eyes, were dancing together as they watched him. Dancing was hardly the right word. They were more or less dry humping each other right there in the middle of the dance floor, and neither of them seemed willing to take their eyes off Shepard.

 

This was what he'd been waiting for all night.

 

The man turned them around so that the woman's back was toward him, and he kissed her, sliding his hands down to cup her ample ass, dragging her forward to grind against him some more. The whole time, his eyes were trained on Shepard, who couldn't have looked away if his life had depended on it. He was already getting hard just from watching them. When the man crooked a finger at him, beckoning him forward, Shepard downed his shot, gave the blondes an apologetic shrug, and made his way toward the couple.

 

The woman – “Ashley,” she murmured against his ear – wrapped her arms around Shepard's waist and placed him between her and her date. “John,” he managed as the man behind him pressed up tight against his back. Shepard could feel the evidence of the man's arousal right against the cleft of his ass, and he couldn't keep his soft moan to himself. “Kaidan,” the man said, lips moving away from Shepard's ear and down his neck.

 

Ashley crowded him, breasts firm against his chest, and when she and Kaidan began moving, Shepard didn't have to worry about the fact that he was an absolutely shitty dancer. The couple kept him pinned, his body buffeted between them as they both rocked forward. One of Kaidan's hands was still on Ashley's ass, but he moved it now, placing his palm on the back of Shepard's hand and sliding them both to her behind. Shepard growled and gave her a little squeeze which made Ashley smile, but he didn't have much time to study her face because Kaidan's other hand was slipping up John's torso, slowly, fingers honing in on lines of muscle beneath his t-shirt, causing his eyes to flutter closed.

 

Shepard reached behind him, lost in the rhythm of the music and the promise of phenomenal sex, to carve his fingers through Kaidan's thick black hair. Ashley's lips found his, and he returned her kiss greedily, torn between the desire to end this torment of seduction and fast forward to the main event, or continuing with this delicious build up for the rest of the night.

 

When the song changed, so did their positions. Kaidan moved behind Ashley, trapping her between them, and leaned over her shoulder to latch onto Shepard's lips. John couldn't remember a time when he'd ever been so aroused. The man's lips were soft and warm, with a hint of whiskey, and Shepard returned the kiss with the same ferocity he'd used for Ashley.

 

“We should get out of here,” Ashley said, peering up at Shepard through her lashes.

 

“You guys sure you want this?” He had to ask. From the way the couple moved, it was apparent that they'd at least slept together before. They were entirely too comfortable with each other for that not to be the case. But Shepard suspected it went deeper than that. He was all about a good time, but he had scruples. He wasn't going to bust up a serious relationship simply because one or both of them wanted the novelty of another dude in their bed, only to wake up the next morning hating each other and him because of things said and done in the heat of the moment and under the influence of alcohol.

 

Ashley leaned in, nipping his lower lip between her teeth, and when she pulled away, Kaidan did the same. “We're sure,” he said confidently. “If you want to call it a night and go our separate ways, we'd understand, but... this isn't our first time with something like this, and we rather enjoy it.”

 

“Lead the way,” Shepard said, voice tight and deep, and they each smiled at him and took hold of his hands, leading him toward the exit.

 

He and Ashley sat in the backseat of the taxi while Kaidan piloted them home and watched their every move through the rear view mirror with lusty eyes. Ashley's fingers wormed their way under Shepard's t-shirt, smoothing over taut skin and muscle, and he showed no shame in cupping and squeezing her breasts through her shirt as they kissed. He groaned when her palm grazed his swollen cock through his jeans. When she nibbled her way up the column of his neck, he hissed a quick, “Fuck,” which made Kaidan chuckle.

 

“Watch her John. She's very good at driving men insane.”

 

“So I see.”

 

Ashley laughed, light and airy, and leaned over the front seat to distract Kaidan with kisses. “You love it when I drive you insane.”

 

“Oh god,” the man moaned, barely able to keep one eye on the controls. “You're absolutely right, but... mnh... I think John would appreciate your attention more right now. I don't want us to crash.”

 

While she was leaned over the seat, Shepard was presented with an incredible view of her perfect ass. Slipping his hands under her skirt, and realizing she wasn't wearing panties, he hoisted it up, exposing the supple mounds of flesh, and he couldn't resist pressing his lips to it. “I think he's appreciating it plenty at the moment,” Ashley quipped, dipping her tongue into Kaidan's ear, then biting down on the lobe.

 

“How much further?” John asked impatiently, pulling Ashley back into his lap and spreading her legs so he could get to her sex with his fingers. She gasped when he slid a digit through her wet folds, throwing her head back against his shoulder and squirming under his touch. His free hand went beneath her shirt and bra, kneading her breast and tweaking a nipple to a stiff peak.

 

“We're here,” Kaidan rasped. Shepard caught his eyes, blown and dark and wanting, and brought his fingers to his own lips, tasting Ashley there and making both of his would-be lovers shiver in anticipation.

 

The ride up the elevator was agony since they hadn't managed to get the door closed in time to have the lift to themselves, but once they were inside the apartment, Shepard barely had time to shuck out of his leather jacket before Ashley jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Their kisses were hot and unforgiving, enough that they'd need medigel in the morning to hide their activities from their superiors. With Kaidan's guidance, they found the bed, and Shepard laid her down, sitting up quickly to strip off his shirt. He'd intended to dive back into Ashley's mouth, but Kaidan stopped him with strong hands on his chest, pulling his shirtless form against his own. Shepard moaned as Kaidan's hands roamed his body, his lips grazing Shepard's ear. Ashley got to her knees in front of the pair, removing her clothing teasingly slow, then following the path of Kaidan's fingers with her lips. Shepard was again stuck between them, one hand in Kaidan's hair, the other in Ashley's, gently guiding her movements.

 

He sucked in a sharp breath with she popped the button on his jeans, anticipation pulsating through his veins. “How are you about anal?” Kaidan asked quietly just as Ashley flicked her tongue through the pre-cum gathered on the tip of his cock. Shepard let out a harsh breath, words failing him for the moment.

 

“I'm g-good either way,” he finally managed, staring down at Ashley who was grinning at him impishly. “Fuck,” he moaned when Kaidan's husky chuckle ghosted across his throat at the same time that Ashley's lips encased the head of his dick. Rough, strong fingers slid into his jeans at the hips, slipping them down enough to free his cock from their confines. Ashley giggled when it sprang free of his briefs, and wasted no time taking him in hand and giving him a few good licks.

 

“And are you... prepared?” Kaidan asked.

 

“I'm clean,” he said, fingers tightening in both his partners' hair.

 

“Can I fuck you then?”

 

“Oh yes... please,” Shepard breathed. “God yes... can I fuck her at the same time?” His eyes hadn't left Ashley's, and he saw her pupils dilate further when he said that. He couldn't help his smug grin at her excitement. His reward was watching her open her mouth wide and welcome him in. His head dug into Kaidan's shoulder as he cried out his excitement, and both his arms went behind him, around Kaidan's neck, pulling him closer. Again, the pair of them played him like an instrument – Kaidan's lips and hands mapping his skin; Ashley's lips and tongue working his cock.

 

“Of course you can fuck her,” Kaidan finally told him, and Shepard knew if she didn't stop soon, he wouldn't be fucking anybody tonight.

 

“Okay... okay, just... stop, please... I just need-” His breath left in a rush again when Ashley let him go, but then her lips were on his the next instant. They tasted like heaven – a hint of whiskey, the salt of his dick, and something just a little sweet and all Ashley.

 

Kaidan gave them a little nudge, and Shepard followed Ashley over, lips still connected as he sprawled on top of her and wiggled to help as Kaidan removed his pants the rest of the way. The man moved away from the bed, watching as Shepard took one of Ashley's nipples into his mouth, tongue swirling until the bud was hard and sensitive. John peeked over at the man and watched as he stripped off his own clothing, slow and sensual, and every nerve in Shepard's body was alight with lust.

 

“Eat her pussy, John,” Kaidan ordered, stroking his hard cock as Shepard moved to obey. Her tangy flavor burst on his tongue when he dipped it into her, and he muffled a moan against her skin. A drawer opened, but Shepard didn't let that distract him. His assault continued until a foil packet landed on the bed beside him, and he nodded his understanding to Kaidan, accepting a passion filled kiss from the man, before resuming his task. The bed dipped, and Shepard looked up to see Kaidan and Ashley kissing. Another tiny moan escaped him. They were so fucking hot. Flicking his tongue across her clit, he reached up to pinch her nipples with his fingers causing her to squirm and writhe.

 

“Add a couple fingers,” Kaidan said. “God, she loves that.” He kissed her again, then propped himself on his elbow to watch while John worked.

 

Another wave of arousal shot straight to Shepard's dick, making it twitch, and again, he obeyed Kaidan's command, slipping two fingers into her soaking pussy. Ashley cried out and arched off the bed, and Kaidan took John's place playing with her nipples so that he could use a strong hand to hold her hips down. The men’s eyes stayed locked – sapphire blue and whiskey brown – as Kaidan licked Ashley's nipple and John tongued her slit. Fingers pushed deeper, targeting that sensitive spot deep inside her, and he felt a ridiculous sense of pride at her reaction. Ashley shouted again, body straining against her two lovers as they held her down and worked relentlessly to bring her to orgasm. “John, yes,” she cried. “Yes... please... more!”

 

With a growl, he fucked her harder with his fingers, lips and tongue working her clit at a furious pace. Kaidan's lips descended on hers when she came, swallowing her shout. Shepard kept up his assault until her tremors slowed somewhat, then he pulled out his fingers, gripped her hips tightly, and eagerly lapped up the mess she'd made, making her writhe again. He grinned at her lazy smile when his task was finished, but he and Kaidan were still hard and aching. Leaning up, Shepard kissed Kaidan, who moaned at the taste of their lover on his face. Kaidan shifted, deftly moving Shepard onto his back and curling his fingers around John's erection. John hissed and bucked into the contact, craving more and more.

 

The click of the cap on the bottle of lube made the muscles in his stomach jump, but his excitement grew when he felt cold, slick fingers against his opening. Ashley finally moved crawling over to meld her mouth with John's drinking in his sighs and groans as Kaidan stroked him and worked to open him up. “Fuck,” he moaned loudly when Kaidan hit his prostate. “Damn, Kaidan... come on and fuck me.”

 

Kaidan growled, tossing Shepard his condom, and he worked with shaky hands to open it and roll it on quickly. Turning over, John pulled Ashley underneath him, kissing her again and sliding into her easily. Then he stilled, waiting expectantly as Kaidan positioned himself behind him. Kaidan moved slowly, inching into him bit by bit, and John was both grateful and impatient. Ashley's lips soothed him as her fingers skimmed over his neck and shoulders, and his eyes rolled back in his head once Kaidan was finally seated inside him, lips against his ear. “Ready?”

 

John could only nod, and he noticed Ashley meeting Kaidan's eyes over his shoulder. The pair of them seemed to come to some unspoken agreement, and the next thing he knew, he was being fucked between them, unable to do anything but hold on and enjoy the ride. Kaidan thrust into him, long, powerful strokes, while Ashley planted her feet on Kaidan's thighs and rolled her hips up to meet Shepard's. His arms supported him, barely, trembling with desire, and his head hung limply between his shoulders, guttural sounds pushing past his lips. “Fuck yes,” he groaned, unable to voice more than that, and Kaidan pushed him forward, full weight on top of Ashley, so that she could kiss him while the other man controlled all the motion.

 

It couldn't last much longer. He and Kaidan were both wound so tight before they even got to this point, and for all his sexual experience, nothing had ever felt this good. He briefly wondered if he'd ever be happy with anything after this. It was so fucking perfect. Kaidan thrust hard, and Ashley ground her clit against him from underneath. When she cried out her second orgasm, pussy clenching Shepard's cock so tight it was nearly painful, he broke, crashing over the edge with her. Kaidan gave a few more fast, hard strikes, then he was spilling, too, acknowledging his climax with a few breathy curses. Shepard's head was swimming, Ashley's and Kaidan's lips comforting him from both sides as he tried to get his bearings again.

 

He barely registered Kaidan pulling out of him, or shifting out of Ashley and her taking the initiative to remove his condom and dispose of it. His breathing was labored as he rolled onto his back, draping his forearm over his eyes. “Shit,” he muttered, earning snickers from both his lovers. He peeked at them and grinned, kissing first Ashley, then Kaidan, as they wrapped him in their arms, sandwiched between them. “That was amazing. Thank you,” he told them sincerely, then tried to get up to go find his clothes.

 

“You can stay if you want,” Kaidan told him, lips still nipping at his shoulder.

 

He wanted to. God did he ever want to, but he knew it was a bad idea. He couldn't risk oversleeping in the morning and missing his ship, but more than that, these people were complete strangers to him, despite what they'd just spent the last couple of hours doing. Even though there was something compelling about the pair, he didn't think he could get comfortable enough to sleep, and at this point, he needed sleep in the worst possible way. “Better not,” he finally said, kissing them each once more before rising.

 

His clothes were scattered about the room, and it was an effort to find them all. He was all too aware of two sets of eyes tracking his every move as he attended to the task. When he sat on the end of the bed to pull his boots on, Ashley wrapped her arms around him from behind, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Do you really have to go?”

 

“'Fraid so, babe,” he said, twisting his neck to peck her on the lips.

 

“Are you being deployed?”

 

“Yep. Twelve months in the ass end of nowhere.”

 

“Where are you going?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Backwater colony named Akuze,” Shepard said, standing and reaching for his leather jacket. Kaidan and Ashley both stood to walk him out, stealing another round of kisses before he could leave. “Thanks for tonight. It... was incredible,” he murmured, one set of fingers on each of their cheeks.

 

“Wait!” Ashley said, gripping his hand before he could get away. “Give us your comm badge so we can keep in touch.”

 

Shepard was doubtful, but the eagerness in both sets of brown eyes melted his resistance. “Sure,” he agreed with a shrug, tapping a command on his omni-tool and kissing them both one last time before heading out the door.

 

_**Amazing artwork by[ AnnaRaven](https://missannaraven.tumblr.com/)! ** _

 

**

 

He hadn't expected them to call him. Exchanging numbers was just something people did. It didn't mean they had any intentions of ever doing anything with them.

 

Akuze was boring as all hell. Tiny colony. Nothing to do on his days off. And the endless monotony of duty shifts was starting to grate on his nerves. He needed some type of entertainment or release, or he was going to explode from pent up frustration.

 

It happened one night while he was on overnight watch. Nothing ever happened out here in the middle of nowhere, other than the occasional varren or klixen, and honestly, he wouldn't mind having something to kill right now. His omni-tool beeped, and since Nolani was on the other side of the encampment at the moment – she'd agreed to take the first patrol – he answered it quietly. “Shepard here.”

 

“Hey!” Two bright smiles greeted him, and he sucked in a breath, surprised by how excited he was to see them after a one night stand so many months ago.

 

“Hey,” he responded. “This is unexpected.”

 

“But not unwelcome, right?” Ashley asked him.

 

“Definitely not.” Now for the awkwardness. What did one say to two people he'd shared a bed with months ago? “Uh... how've you been?”

 

“Busy,” Kaidan said. “You?”

 

“Bored.”

 

He was rewarded with laughter from both of them, and something stirred in his chest, stringing his heart tight. “Well, maybe we can help alleviate that for you,” Ashley said, voice suddenly warm and sultry and causing stirrings much lower than his heart. He'd had no companionship other than his own right hand since he'd gotten to Akuze months ago, and suddenly all he wanted was to be there with Kaidan and Ashley, their arms around him, their lips on his.

 

“What did you have in mind?” Voice as tight as his heart and his pants.

 

“Let us show you,” Kaidan said, his already smoky voice sounding even more delicious coated in lust.

 

“Make it quick,” he teased. “I'm on night watch.”

 

The camera panned back to reveal both of them sitting on the bed, already naked, and Shepard couldn't resist palming himself through his fatigues. Taking a quick peek around to be sure there were no threats, he settled back against a stack of crates in the dirt to enjoy the show. Ashley climbed into Kaidan's lap, both of them facing the camera, and slid down on the man's waiting cock, pussy already glistening with moisture. Shepard groaned quietly and flicked open the fly on his fatigues working till he was holding his stiff dick in his own hand. He stroked in time to Ashley's movements as she rode Kaidan, and it didn't take any of them long to find release.

 

He tucked himself away and kicked some dirt over the mess he'd made on the ground just in time to hear approaching footsteps. “Shit! I gotta go. I'm on patrol next, but uh... we should do this again sometime.”

 

“Absolutely,” the couple agreed. “Goodnight, John,” Ashley added sleepily.

 

“Night, Ash,” he said feeling a wave of affection for the woman. “You too, Kaidan.”

 

The man nodded, and Shepard cut the call just as Nolani rounded the corner. “Did I hear voices?”

 

“Just playing a message from home,” Shepard lied. “I'll see you in an hour.”

 

**

 

The trio exchanged messages almost daily after that. Sometimes just a brief text - “Thinking of you.” “Wish you were here” - accompanied by a photo. Shepard sent them photos, too. Sometimes a selfie, in which he always felt absurd; sometimes of his hard dick – at their request of course. And other times they were long letters, both Ash and Kaidan telling him about their lives and their relationship with each other. John felt a compelling need to reciprocate, telling about his childhood on various starships as he was dragged along by his parents on their various postings. Oddly enough, it began to feel like something more than just sex and pornographic videos. He felt a true kinship with both of them, and the emotions left him confused.

 

The calls continued, too. Shepard knew he'd be in trouble if he was caught making personal calls while on duty, but he couldn't resist the allure of Ashley and Kaidan as they fucked each other for his benefit. Damn, next time he had some leave, he was finding those two and locking them in a room for the entire weekend.

 

With an hour left on the night watch shift, his omni-tool pinged, and he answered it quickly, moaning at the sight of Ashley sucking Kaidan off like her life depended on it. She pulled away, much to Kaidan's frustration, to look directly into the camera. “Next time you have some leave, I'm going to do this for you, John.”

 

“Shit,” he breathed, imagining her lips wrapped around his dick, warm and wet and tantalizing.

 

“Enjoying yourself?” The voice behind him scared him half to death, and he slapped at his omni-tool to end the call. The silence that fell around them was deafening as Shepard got quickly to his feet and stood at attention in the face of his CO. “Come to my office as soon as your shift ends.”

 

“Yes sir,” Shepard said, saluting the man and cursing quietly to himself as he watched the commander walk away. “Fuck,” he reiterated, scrubbing a hand over his dark, buzzed hair.

 

“Finally got caught watching your boyfriend and girlfriend fucking, eh?” Nolani's voice was light and airy with laughter as she peered at him in the rising light of the sun.

 

“Fuck,” Shepard muttered for the third time, not even registering the way Nolani had referred to Ash and Kaidan.

 

“Ah, the old man will go easy on you, Shepard,” she laughed again. “You're the golden boy who can do no wrong.”

 

Shepard scoffed. “Apparently not.” He shouldered his rifle and headed out for his last patrol of the shift, Nolani's amused voice following him out of sight.

 

Because his parents were both in the Alliance, his superiors always came down harder on him than with other marines. More was expected of him, which was hardly fair, but Shepard already knew by now that life wasn't fair. More than the frustration of being punished, he felt shame at being caught. Not shame for what he'd been doing, just that his CO knew about it now.

 

After the obligatory lecture about the dangers of being distracted while on watch, his Commander switched tactics on him. “What would your mother say, Shepard?” Commander Hershey asked.

 

John actually laughed at that, sudden and unexpected. “Do you think she'd be surprised to find out her son was getting off to porn? And are you sure you want to be the person to have that conversation with her?”

 

“Don't be a wise ass, Shepard,” Hershey sighed. “You're right. I don't want to have that conversation. Instead, your communications are hereby restricted. For the next two months, you'll only receive calls and messages from your parents or from your commanding officers, clear?”

 

“Sir,” Shepard said through clenched teeth. He couldn't even message Kaidan and Ash to let them know. Nolani wouldn't dare break ranks by sending a quick message for him, and he was effectually screwed – and definitely not in the fun way he'd been fantasizing about for months now.

 

Once dismissed, he made his way to the showers, balls aching from his earlier arousal and lack of release. It was the ache in his chest, however, that really concerned him. Over the last several months, he'd grown attached to Kaidan and Ash, and the honest truth was that he'd miss their letters and messages just as much, if not more, as he'd miss the steamy vid calls they made on occasion.

 

Showers were short by necessity, and all he had time for was rinsing away the dirt and sweat before toweling off and heading for his bunk. Pulling up his omni-tool, he opened the file with photos of Ash and Kaidan. Some of them were of the kind he wouldn't want his mother to see, but mostly they were just of two happy people in love – kissing each other on the cheek, smiling or blowing kisses toward the camera. Longing filled his heart, and he cursed his own carelessness that had cost him so much.

 

**

 

“Do you think he got in trouble for taking our call?” Ashley asked, staring blankly at the cup of coffee Kaidan set in front of her.

 

“I don't know, Ash. Probably, but that doesn't explain three months of no communication from the man.” It was at least the millionth time she'd asked him over the last several weeks.

 

“I really liked him.”

 

“I know you did. So did I.” He pulled her from her chair and into his arms, cupping the back of her head with a strong hand, holding her against his chest. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Kaidan.... I think I was starting to fall in love with John too, though.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Maybe we should look for him,” she suggested, tone brightening, brown eyes peering up at him imploringly. Kaidan cursed to himself. It was so damn hard to say no to those eyes, but he shook his head sadly anyway.

 

“If he still wanted us, he would have gotten in contact by now, Ash. Three months is a long damn time. I... I think it's time to let go and move on.”

 

But he couldn't let go and move on anymore than Ashley could. He found himself staring at John's smiling face in photos the man had sent them over the few months of their communication with each other, and there was something so rich and reassuring in his expression, in the depths of those blue eyes. Kaidan missed John's letters profoundly, and couldn't quite shake the feeling that they'd all missed out on some once in a lifetime thing that just didn't happen to ordinary people.

 

Days turned into weeks and months and years. Kaidan rose through the ranks and tried to comfort Ashley in her frustration over her own stalled career. “Takes a special kind of thickheaded to march into a career where your family's been blackballed,” she'd told him in dejected misery.

 

“I know it's hard, Ash, but just keep trying. One day the Alliance is going to see your worth.”

 

“Doubtful, but a Williams never passed up a challenge,” she'd replied.

 

They'd stopped looking for a third partner, knowing by some divine instinct that John was the one meant for them, though the name John Shepard was never spoken in their home. They both still had the files of photos of the handsome marine on their omni-tools, however, and both of them indulged in their memories of him on occasion.

 

**

 

“You know, you're probably the only marine in the whole damn galaxy who reads those 'Admiral's Blast' things,” Ashley teased, pouring Kaidan a fresh cup of coffee and kissing him on the forehead.

 

“I'll have you know there's a lot of interesting information in these things, Ash. You should try reading them for yourself once in awhile.” A half-hearted scowl was directed her way, but her smile only brightened, earthy brown eyes glinting mirthfully. He obliged her with a wink that made her laugh, then turned his attention back to the datapad in his hands with Admiral Hackett's latest blast. Each month a newsletter was sent out, “Direct from the desk of Admiral Hackett,” which typically contained a brief update on the status of Alliance affairs around the cluster, a series of lame jokes, announcements of upcoming events, and Alliance member spotlights featuring blurbs and brief dossiers on some of the military's most promising or prominent figures.

 

“What's wrong?” Ash asked with concern, seeing that Kaidan had frozen in his seat, face going pale. With a frown and a shake of his head, he passed the datapad toward her, listening for her gasp when she saw this month's Soldier Spotlight. “It's John,” she whispered. “Did you read it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Staff Lieutenant John Shepard Newest N7 Graduate,” she read as Kaidan tapped on the table in agitation. Ashley skimmed over the brief bio of his early years, information they already knew from the letters they'd received from the man himself. Information that did a poor job of painting the picture of the man they'd come to know and care about. It had been four years since they'd last spoken to him, but seeing this, hearing it, brought a fresh, raw pain that Kaidan couldn't quite understand. Ashley gasped again and stopped, staring at the datapad with a quivering lip.

 

“What?” Kaidan asked, heart suddenly shuddering to a stop.

 

“Lieutenant Shepard was first recognized as a candidate for the prestigious Interplanetary Combatives Training – commonly referred to as N-school – after surviving a thresher maw attack on Akuze four years ago that left the rest of his squad dead. Captain Anderson is quoted as saying, 'Shepard's quick thinking and quicker reflexes saved his life that day. Soldiers with instincts like that are perfect candidates for the Alliance's special forces training.' Shepard admits to undergoing months of therapy following the attack. 'No, I don't think there's any shame in admitting you need help from time to time,' the lieutenant said in reply to questions regarding his mental state. 'If the Alliance didn't think I was fit for duty, they wouldn't have promoted me.'”

 

Kaidan stared out the window, feeling a strange longing to see rain washing over the glass – to be home in Vancouver where there was real weather, suited to mood swings. Small but strong fingers curled around his own, and he heard Ashley's sniffle. Standing, he pulled her into his arms, holding her as she cried. “We should have been there for him,” she whispered with a watery voice.

 

“We tried, Ash.” Though in his heart, he felt the same as her. “We tried.”

 

**

 

Shepard walked toward the docking bay with purposeful strides, duffel bag in one hand, rifle case in the other. He'd been stationed on dozens of ships during his eleven years in the military, but this was the first time he was boarding a ship as the Executive Officer. A nervous tickle fluttered through his belly, but he stowed it quickly. He'd been trained for this – damn well trained at that.

 

Captain Anderson greeted him personally, and Shepard saluted the man, face breaking into a grin as they shook hands afterward. “Anderson,” he greeted.

 

“Shepard. Come on and let me show you the ship. It's damned amazing, and I think you'll like the crew, too. The head of marine detail is waiting in my quarters to speak with us, so let's drop your gear and we'll head there first. I think you'll like him. Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.”

 

John nearly tripped as the name pierced like an incendiary round to the chest, and the butterflies in his stomach turned into a tsunami of emotion so staggering, he almost couldn't breathe.

 

“Shepard? You alright, son?” The concern in Anderson's voice snapped him out of his haze, and he offered his CO a reassuring smile.

 

“Fine, sir. Just first day jitters, I suppose.”

 

Anderson laughed at that. “Hell, I remember my first day as XO on a ship. Thought I'd piss myself before we got out of dock. You'll get the hang of it. Don't you worry.”

 

Shepard didn't say anything else as he followed his superior. Every step thudded with dread. It had been six years since he'd last spoken to Kaidan or Ashley. Six years of longing and having no clue how to reach out to the couple, try to repair the damage that had been done.

 

Two weeks after the last time he'd spoken to Ash and Kaidan, his camp had been attacked by thresher maws. His entire unit had been wiped out, and he alone had lived to tell the tale. Sometimes he could still hear their dying screams, still smell their charred flesh, and sometimes, he was transported back there, standing by helplessly as they all fell silent.

 

He was in the hospital for weeks getting treatment and skin grafts for the acid burns that marred more than half his body. Some of it had been replaced by synthetic flesh – a poor substitute for the real thing – and some had been repaired by a dermal regenerator. Shepard dropped his things at his locker and rubbed the back of his left arm, still scarred, skin mostly destroyed from the attack.

 

He was still on communication restriction by the time he got out of the hospital because his CO, Commander Hershey, had issued the lock and died before it could be rescinded. His hospital stay was followed by months of intense physical therapy and trips to the psychiatrist, and he'd given serious thought to swallowing a bottle of pain pills just to silence the voices in his head that continued to berate him for not being good enough or fast enough, for living when they'd all died.

 

He couldn't go back to Kaidan and Ash then. A broken shell of what he'd been when he'd known them. Their relationship had been new – hadn't actually been given a name yet. He heard Nolani teasing him about his boyfriend and girlfriend, and shook his head to clear her voice away. Since then, he'd worked to prove himself worthy of two people who'd probably moved on with their lives and forgotten all about him.

 

Shepard had never forgotten them, though. He still had the holos Kaidan and Ash had sent to him, and looking at them, rereading their letters and messages, remembering, had helped him through his darkest days of depression and therapy. And everywhere he'd gone since then, he'd looked for them in the crowd, knowing they wouldn't be there. Figuring they wouldn't want him anymore if they were. He was fractured and incomplete. Why would they want him?

 

They reached Anderson's door, and Shepard drew himself up tall, shoulders squaring as he sucked in a deep breath. His captain breezed through the door with steps born of confidence, the very picture of what a commanding officer should be.

 

Blood rushed through Shepard's ears as he followed Anderson, eyes purposely avoiding the room's other occupant. Kaidan's gaze lingered on Shepard though, and he couldn't keep from eventually meeting the man's eyes. The same whiskey brown that he'd fantasized and dreamt about and studied in old holos for six years now stared back at him with a glint of something hopeful. The tiniest of smiles tugged at the corners of the lieutenant's mouth, but he schooled it and greeted his new XO professionally. When their hands met in greeting, a thrill of electricity shot up Shepard's arm, straight to his heart, and he knew he was just as in love at this very moment as he'd been the last time he'd spoken with them.

 

Oh, he'd never called it love, never given voice to that seedling sprouting in his soul that grew a little more every time he talked to them, received one of their letters, poured his own heart out to them in reply. The few lovers he'd had over the years, people he'd almost wished would let him forget what he'd lost, had paled in comparison to the man standing before him and the woman he instinctively knew was still with him.

 

The rational part of his brain kept him from pulling Kaidan into his arms right then and there, no matter how much the emotional side wanted to do that very thing. Instead, he let his fingers slowly slip from Kaidan's own and turned to face Anderson, whose nose was buried in a datapad.

 

**

 

Kaidan's heart had nearly burst when John Shepard strolled into Anderson's office and the captain had introduced him as Normandy's new XO. He didn't know if this was fate being kind or playing some horrendous cosmic joke on him. Shepard was here, in the flesh, and he was now a superior officer. Kaidan would have laughed, but he could imagine Anderson's reaction to that. The look in Shepard's blue eyes – eyes that hadn't changed a bit in six years despite the scars on the man's face that spoke off all he'd gone through – said he was having the exact same thought.

 

An antsy energy bubbled through him as he waited for their meeting to end. Disappointment, sharp and bitter, filled him when Anderson asked Shepard to remain behind so they could speak privately. It was hours before Shepard finally found him and they could take a moment to talk.

 

Normandy was shipping out on her maiden voyage first thing in the morning, and the day shift crew were all heading to their bunks and sleeper pods as the night crew boarded the vessel. It would be a long night for Shepard and Anderson, Kaidan knew, and his heart fluttered a little in a silly way thinking that Shepard had sought him out to talk before he headed to bed.

 

Shepard found him in the shuttle bay, tinkering with the ground vehicle’s maintenance computer. “Lieutenant,” he began, but Kaidan quirked up an eyebrow and smirked.

 

“I figured we knew each other a little too well for titles... _Commander_.”

 

John huffed a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah,” he coughed. “Yeah, I suppose we do.” There was a pink tinge to his cheeks and ears that Kaidan found irresistible, and he wanted to press his lips against it.

 

Despite the fact that they'd only known each other for a brief time years ago, Shepard's pull on Kaidan was as strong as it had been the first time he and Ashley had laid eyes on him in that bar here on Arcturus. They had looked up every scrap of information they could find about Shepard over the years. Separately of course. Both of them tried to pretend that Shepard didn't still affect them, but both of them knew that was a lie. Both of them still dreamed of the man and his blue eyes and strong body. Both of them kept all his pictures and letters.

 

“John,” Kaidan said softly. “Why didn't you ever contact us?” He hoped there was no judgment in his voice, only honest concern. By Shepard's expression, he could tell he'd hit the mark. Those blue eyes were sad when they met Kaidan's again.

 

“A lot of reasons,” he said truthfully. “After what happened on Akuze. With all my issues. I just... I didn't want to burden either of you. I was broken, Kaidan. I didn't think you would want me anymore.”

 

Kaidan stepped closer, clenching his hands into fists to keep from reaching out, but he trusted the hunger in his eyes, the sincerity of his voice to convey the truth of his words. “We did. We still do.”

 

Shepard broke into a smile nine miles wide, and the look he gave Kaidan made his heart yearn for a place more private than a ship's shuttle bay. “How's Ash?” John asked softly, reaching out to brush his fingers across the back of Kaidan's hand before letting his arm fall back to his side.

 

“She's good. She was stationed on Eden Prime about two months ago. I miss her like crazy, to be honest.”

 

“So do I,” John murmured. “I've missed you both more than you can imagine.”

 

“I can imagine,” Kaidan said dryly. “You're pretty damn hard to walk away from, Shepard.”

 

“I'm sorry I dropped off the radar.”

 

“Me too, but hopefully we'll have the chance for a real chat soon. Expect an earful from Ashley though. She wanted to come hunt you down years ago.”

 

“I almost wish you would have. Still, I should have sent a note or something. My comms were blocked for months and by the time... Well, like I said. I didn't know how to face you. Wasn't sure you wanted to see me.”

 

 _To hell with it_ , Kaidan thought, reaching out to take John's hand in his own. He laced their fingers, squeezing gently. “We'll figure it all out, alright?”

 

“Alright. I should let you get some sleep.” Shepard yawned, indicating his own tiredness, though Kaidan knew he wouldn't be allowed reprieve anytime soon. “I'll see you in the morning for launch, Kaidan.”

 

“Good night, John.”

 

“Night.”

 

**

 

Ashley and Kaidan followed him into the elevator after their dismissal by the Council. “We need to talk,” she said curtly, hitting the button down to the Presidium before Shepard could get to it.

 

“We do,” he admitted, giving Ashley an apologetic smile.

 

“I know a place,” Kaidan said. The trio exited the elevator and Kaidan hailed them a cab. They ended at a bar in the lower wards, dark with just enough people that they could slip into a booth in the back without being noticed.

 

Ashley slid into the seat with Shepard while Kaidan sat across, and she crumbled against his shoulder, tears staining his shirt. John held her while she cried, whispering apologies over and over. When her tears had run their course, she sat up and slugged him on the arm as hard as she could. “You _idiot!_ ”

 

Shepard winced, rubbing the abused skin with his fingers. “I'm sorry, Ash. I-”

 

The words were cut short by her lips against his, and he wrapped his arms around her, returning the kiss with six years worth of pent up passion. Breathing was labored when they broke apart, but Kaidan reached across the table and grabbed Shepard by the shirt, melding their mouths together for a kiss of his own. “She'd have killed me if I'd gotten the first kiss,” he said with a grin when it ended. Shepard laughed squeezing Ashley tighter against his chest and planting a kiss on her forehead.

 

“You're the boss on the ship, he's the boss in the bedroom, but you should both be aware that _I'm_ the boss the rest of the time,” she teased.

 

“Yes, ma'am,” Shepard agreed with a smile before it faded into something more serious. “Speaking of the ship...”

 

“There's nothing to worry about Shepard,” Kaidan assured him. “We know our place. You won't get any flack from us. And we're prepared to restrict the... more personal nature of our relationship to shore leave.”

 

“If anyone finds out, it's all our jobs,” Shepard reminded him.

 

“We've always felt it was worth the risk,” Ashley said with a soft smile for Kaidan. “And speaking of shore leave... we're not back on duty till zero eight hundred.”

 

Shepard hummed thoughtfully and grinned at her. “You make a very valid point, Chief.”

 

**

 

Shepard leaned against his desk with both hands – the weight of the world pressing down on his shoulders. What if he'd been wrong? What if they failed? He'd turned every person on the ship into mutineers and deserters. The datapad in front of him may just as well have been blank, because he certainly couldn't read it at the moment. The lives and careers of every person on this ship were now on him, and he couldn't afford to fail them.

 

He didn't even look up when he heard the door open with a quiet hiss. There were two people on this ship whose lives mattered more to him than anything else. These two he would not fail. Not at any cost. Even the cost of his own life. Kaidan's arms went around his waist, pulling him gently from the desk so that Ashley could stand in front of him and wrap him in her arms as well. The three of them stood that way, silent but for the hum of the ship and the sound of their breathing.

 

“We believe in you, Skipper,” Ashley finally whispered, kissing him tenderly.

 

“We wouldn't be here if we didn't,” Kaidan agreed.

 

They led him to the bed, gently stripping him naked before lowering him to the mattress, following him down. Kaidan kissed him, long, slow, and teasing, while Ashley trailed lips and tongue along his torso. Shepard let the upcoming mission to Ilos slip from his mind as he focused on his lovers and the attention they were showering him with. They forced him up, back against the headboard, and took turns kissing and sucking him, alternately. Until finally, Ashley climbed into his lap and sank down on him, hips rolling slowly to savor the friction and heat building between them. Kaidan knelt before him, erection level with John's mouth, and he leaned forward, taking the man in as Ashley rode him.

 

Their orgasms followed one behind the other, and they ended in a heap on the bed. Ashley was sprawled on Shepard's chest while Kaidan curled into his side. Sleep claimed them one by one through the haze of languid kisses and caresses.

 

Ash awoke, curled around Kaidan's body and turned to find Shepard sitting on his desk, already dressed and ready for the mission. A slow smile spread his lips as he watched his lovers. “Hey,” she said softly, beckoning him with a finger.

 

“Hey.” He went to her and their lips connected, gentle and affectionate, while his hand stroked up Kaidan's torso. The older man sat up, wrapping his arms around his lovers, kissing Ash on the back of her neck. “Thank you,” Shepard whispered. “For being here. For trusting me.”

 

“Where else would we be?” Kaidan asked, leaning in to kiss John himself.

 

“There's... I wanted to tell you-”

 

Ash put a finger against his lips to silence him. “Shh... save it for when you come back to us.”

 

Shepard nodded slowly, knuckles brushing against her cheek until he could tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You're so beautiful,” he whispered, brushing his lips against hers, then Kaidan's.

 

“ETA to the Mu Relay five minutes, Commander.”

 

John sighed, then acknowledged Joker's words. “Better get up there,” Kaidan said, nodding in encouragement. “Well be right behind you.”

 

He nodded again, then left them with one more kiss each. His steps were purposeful, confidence bolstered by the faith Ash and Kaidan placed in him. He couldn't imagine facing this without them, and one day very soon, he would find the words to tell them exactly how much they meant to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)
> 
> A huge thank you to [FallingOverSideways](https://shotce.tumblr.com/) who beta-ed for me! You're the best, my love! :*
> 
> Find me on tumblr: [ellebeedarling](https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


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